Day 1 at home

I got discharged at 1pm on Friday and just now at 10:27pm on Sat can I say I am functioning. This treatment went over better than the last one but wiped me out physically and emotionally.  I wish I could really explain to people how the chemo makes me feel.  It wipes me out so bad that Jared has to move my legs to the side of the bed for me to get up and lift me to my feet. Then never mind me not being able to move...try being a mother to your first child and not even being able to have him sit on your lap never mind hold. I cry more about things like that than having Cancer in general. I walked in from the hospital and to see Coles eyes light up like fireworks and the smile that came over his face was the most amazing feeling then it quickly turned to tears.. I should not have to be away from my son for weeks at a time and I should not cry because he is excited to see me I should be crying for someone to take him away from me because I need a break..lol I feel like he grew so much in the last week hes up on all fours rocking away...and it takes him a second to just roll from one side of the room to the other.  he is developing at such a rapid speed im am scared to blink.

As for a health update since I am home my pain in at about 1-2 I am wearing a patch for the pain so who knows what I am really at for pain I went into the ER on Friday with pain of about an 12...they gave me some heavy meds and was at a 3 in seconds.. I had a scan done to see what was going on with the pain and the tumor had grown so the last treatment didnt work.  They admitted me right away and started a new chemo and with fingers crossed this one will work.. While on this chemo I did get a rash for about two days but it was not bad.. I also ended up with thrush mouth which is so nasty and everything tastes bad and i have a white fuzzy coating over the inside of my mouth. I also woke up this morning having a hard time moving had to have Jared bathe and dress me all while passing out on him but he did good and my mother and him had me up and moving off Dana Farber we went and got my shoot that helps boost my white cells.. I didn't need the shoot the last round of chemo and I found that getting it really makes a huge difference because tonight I already feel a little better where as the last treatment I couldn't get moving for days.

As of now I wait to hear from my doctor some time next week on when they will scan me again and hopfully they will know if I have a donor or not as well...Thank you to all of you that came to visit, sent cards, made food and helped out this past week..
god bless you all!
D

Day 4 of New Chemo

I thought before I lay down to take a nap and get some rest I would get the emotions out..a cleansing of sorts.  Yesterday I was in great spirits and today not so much, its funny how each day is so different from the next.  I have had a lot of visitors through this chemo which has been great and has kept me going strong. Then there are the moments that nothing can keep me together like now..I tried so hard to get through all my visitors this morning without crying but the gates opened on poor Amanda..(sorry) Since she left about 2 hours ago I have not stopped. I have cried through my lunch, talking to my mother, talking to my nurse and even the chaplain.

I'm guessing I hold everything in too much and I know you have all told me to just let it out and that you will all be here for me to cry with but that's not what I want. I don't want to cry with my friends due to cancer, I want to cry with my friends due to laughter. I don't want to have people feel bad or feel the pain I feel I want them to only take the good of me with them not the bed.  I have always been the one to add the fun to the party and make light of the situation. So I am just going to ask you all tonight as you all go to bed whether you are religious or not please pray for me i feel like I need a lift and if everyone is all doing it at around the same time it will be even stronger for me..

Thank you
xoxo
D

Pain x10

I woke up in pain about 4 days ago and knew right away that the tumor was still there. The doctor gave me some pain meds and I ended up getting very sick.  The pain took over and I ended up throwing up from 8:30am on Friday morning til about 2:30pm.. I called the doctor and he suggested we go right to the ER so we did.. I have been on some heavy pain meds now through IV every 2 hours and I am waking up in intense doubled over pain..I had a new scan done and it shows that I have another new growth and the existing tumor has grown.. So I will be starting a new chemo cycle at 8pm tonight and hopefully get this tumor under control.  I will be in the hospital until Thursday hoping everything goes well..Thank you all for the love and support..I will try to keep everyone posted but as you know if I am not on FB then I am sick.

Danielle

A good week

I figured I would blog about having a good weekend.. Who wants to always hear that I don't feel good I know I don't.  So I figured I would tell you all how I felt about 90%.  Jared and I have pretty much got the condo all cleared out just a few more things to move and we are done.. Being back at my mothers has already lifted alot of stress for the both of us.  I hate that we had to spend weekend moving instead of enjoying each others company but I want everything done before I go back in for my next treatment.

We did get to go out to dinner with my mom and Jeff. Cole got to experience is first Japanese Hibachi dinner, which he loved.  We also had a visit from Candace, Rudy and Miss Hannah. Then today we were all finally feeling better after a strain of some cold/sinus/stomach bug went through the house, so we got to finally meet our new nephew Jackson Soep!

I also did something new things this weekend.  On Friday night I went for my first acupuncture treatment.  You would think that I would want to stay away from the needles seeing that I am getting stabbed with all the treatments and blood work I have to do, But this is different and I am willing to try anything I can to stay on the healthy, stress free track.  I will be going twice a week to help with the nausea, metal taste I get get during and after chemo and sleep.

Today I also went to church with my Nana which is something I have not done in a long time and with everything going on right now I feel the need to turn back to my faith.  I found it to be soulfully rewarding and Father Bob was very kind and welcoming, he blessed me and added me to the church prayer list.  I plan on attending church from here on out and looking forward to sharing Sunday mornings with my Nana and visiting the cemetery to chat with Papa.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well and again thank you all for the prayers, love, support and positive energy...

Love
Danielle

Oh and I also wanted to add that Backstage Hair Studio : 38 Washington Street, Peabody  will be having a "Cut a thon" on Sunday April 10th from 10-6 to help raise money for me to pay my medical bills...It will be a $20 donation They will also be raffling off a large gift basket which will include shampoo, conditioner, pro blow dryer, flat iron, mini flat iron, hot rollers, shower cap, hair brush, comb, teasing comb and spray. Tickets will be $10 each and winner will be drawn at 6pm on April 10th.  Please call the salon 978-532-9449 to make an appointment.....If I am not in the hospital I will be planning on being there!  Thank you to Kristen and all the girls who will be participating ...YOU ROCK!

I've earned this bald head

So after many months of just letting it fall out I gave in...Embrace the bald head that I have earned.. The best thing about it all is that my husband came home and told me it looks so much better and for those of you who really know Jared..he says "it turns him on even more!" LOL..  So thank you so much to Krysten Williams for coming over and spending the whole day with me and shaving me bald.  It was great to chat and catch up on things and realize that we have alot more in common than we thought.  She has been such an amazing supporter for me over the last few months and donations she has collected have far exceeded all my expectations.

Home sweet home

Well it 5:40am and I can't sleep I got home last night at 7:30pm.. This was one of the most toughest weeks yet..Due to the Chemo being 10x stronger than the last stuff i was so ill I didnt eat or drink anything for two days which caused my kidneys to slow down and i became dehydrated.. I have come to terms with emotions at this point as well and have broke down a few times.  Deep in my heart I know I am going to make it through this its just the fight at this point which is making we weak..

The tough part is looking at myself in the mirror because the reflection I see is not me....and every time I look at myself I feel like a piece of me is dying.. the first day I walked in Dana Farber and saw a girl about my age who was bald and wearing her mask and hat I prayed that I would not get that far into and well the reality has set it.. I am a Cancer patient.. I the looks are all vanity but you only feel as good as you look and right now I look like shit!!

At this point I have the next two weeks off then I am back in there again for one more treatment and now that I know what to expect it makes it 10x harder for me...So I will build up the strength i need and i will get through it with a little help from my friends!!

love you  all
Danielle

Day 2 of shrinking this new tumor

It's 6:50am and the thought of me getting some rest and sleep while I was in here was just a crazy idea.  The out-paient process of chemo is so much easier at least you get to leave and not have some one in checking and poking you every hour. I was up every hour to have vitals done and use the restroom and be asked 50 questions.  The nurse was very sweet and made sure I knew what was going on at all times which was nice.  Here is a photo of my lovely IVs and chemo machine incase some of you dont know what it looks like.


I am feeling ok overall not really feeling ill which is great just very tired. The pain I have been dealing with in my lower left side was off and on through the night but not even close to how it was feeling a few days ago.. I have been a trooper and only taken the pain meds once since I got here because I want to feel what my body is doing and if the pain starts easing up that means this tumor is shrinking, I like to be in tune with my body not let the medicine take over.

Then emotions I'm having at this point I must say are not what I thought they would be.  I am feeling strong and confident.  The messages I have received from everyone keep me pushing forward and make me feel like I have no other way to think but positive.

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross